I’m not okay

Nothing like getting a call on Mother’s Day that all the embryos failed.

Have I not suffered enough in life? I finally find love and we can’t seem to make one dam kid.

I’m tired.

Fuck Mother’s Day.

Egg retrieval and more waiting

Egg retrieval and more waiting

I feel like I cannot focus on anything because my attentions are being pulled in too many directions.
I had my egg retrieval on Monday.
Scared I was going into the operating room.
Hadn’t been put out since the horrible years of junior high.
When they strapped my legs into the stirrups and stabbed my hand with an IV I lost control of my eye balls.
But less than five minutes later I was off to dreamland.

There is something very disconcerting about laying unconscious with your vagina out while people fuss about…

We thought we were getting two but the doctor pulled five mature eggs.
Those cheeky bastards undersold me on what they saw.
They don’t describe all what I was feeling.
I’m still nervous.

We received the phone call today.
Four out of five have fertilized.
Great news!
But now we wait and pray they make it to the fifth day.
They call this phase blastocyst and once they make it here they will do a biopsy and send it out for testing.
The embryos will head to the freezer as they await their fate.
If they are normal they get to move onto implantation.
Abnormal embryos are one of the big causes of miscarriages.
By testing them and transferring “normal” embryos I will have a higher success rate of becoming pregnant.

The waiting is killing me.
Having anxiety doesn’t help.

Has it really?

Has it really?

It’s been nearly a year since my last post. Unbelievable. I feel like the worst when it comes to this stuff but I want to be better. It has been a rough year and not just because of Covid (a year out and I was left with the random phantom smelling of cigarettes).

I am on year two of trying to get pregnant. We started fertility treatments last year and it has resulted in six failed IUI’s. This month we have started the IVF process so I am pretty stressed about it but grateful that insurance is covering most of it. I only get three shots at it though before my benefit runs out. So to say I haven’t been in the best of places is an understatement.

I am a bit tired and trying to stay positive. I will try to be here more frequently. I may need a venting place during this process.

My little pharmacy of IVF drugs

I have missed it here and the community. I will need some time to catch up with all the wonderful blogs I follow 🙂

Whomp whomp

Well my latest iui attempt has failed. I got the news right before my therapist video chat appointment. We started off the session with me already in tears. It has been hard.

TMI warning… Continue reading

Seven months and my corona story

Seven months and my corona story

Has it really been seven months since my last post? Man life got away from me. Well here is what has been up.

I’m having some unexpected troubles. Back in September we decided we will try to get pregnant. However, my body has decided that it will not make this easy. After six months of trying I went to a fertility doctor since I am 37 years old soon to be 38 and freaking out. Note: I am not freaking out that I am turning 38. It is a blessing to get older because there are those who cannot. It just feels like it comes around rapidly. Every time I turn around July is approaching. That I think is what gets my depression running.

Anyway so I went to the fertility doctor and had a bunch of blood tests and a dye test done to make sure everything was cool. Turns out my ovary reserves are low for a woman my age. In addition we found out my estrogen and progesterone levels were low after the first IUI so now I am taking hormone pills to boot. I am trying so hard not to stress but I can’t help the feeling that I cannot do this one thing I took for granted.  Luckily my husband’s analysis came back with no problems. I only have enough bandwidth to deal with one issue on top of everything else that is happening in the world. To date I’ve done two IUI’s (Intrauterine Insemination). I will find out this Tuesday if this one worked. Baby dust is much appreciated.

It is funny though. I have spent a good portion of my adulthood not knowing if I wanted kids. I still am not 100% sure but I have come to the conclusion that few are so certain. I just know that my husband will make a great father and I will do the best I can!

I have also mentioned in the past about the foster care and we are finally certified but that’s a story for another post. We haven’t gotten any placements yet.


I also had the coronavirus… dun dun duuuuuun

I got sick on 3/14 with a fever, cold sweats in the night, chills, full body aches, a cough that wouldn’t stop for at least 12 weeks although lately it has been creeping back. I lost my appetite and lost 7 pounds in a week. I am also now smelling cigarettes and no one in my house smokes. I have been smelling them and feeling the burn in my eyes on and off now for a month. My husband doesn’t smell anything so clearly this crap is in my head and honestly it scares me. Others that have had or still have the virus have told me they are experiencing the same thing. It’s so strange.

It took me 3 weeks to get my first test. I was tested on 4/1 when I was feeling better minus the nonstop coughing fits. I tested positive for the virus. I have no idea how long I had it before the symptoms started to show but I am pretty certain it was probably from a patron at work. Working with the public sets me up for catching viruses. Something I have seriously been thinking about as of late.

They weren’t going to allow for a second test at first. They told me that if you haven’t had a fever for 3 days without taking medicine and no symptoms for a week then you don’t have to self isolate anymore just wear a mask if you go outside. That didn’t sit well with me because how do I know I am not giving it to someone else? I need to know exactly when I test negative. SO I can have some kind of peace of mind… right? Well I begged and I got another appointment two weeks later and tested negative thank goodness. I went yesterday to get the antibody test and I tested positive for those. What that means in the grand scheme of things who knows since they don’t know themselves. Would it be reassuring to know that I have some level of protection? Sure but I know that is no foolproof.

I don’t know where I go from here so I have been spending my shelter in place working from home and training training training for my Travel Agent job. I am still librarying from home too working virtual reference and virtual programs.

Most days I feel overwhelmed. Some days I can handling everything better.

How have you all been doing?


Strange Happenings Pulling Me Under

Strange Happenings Pulling Me Under

Something strange happened today. While I was at a stoplight a “not in service” bus pulled up behind me and when I looked in my side-mirror I saw that the driver was a former “friend with benefits.” I hadn’t spoken too or seen since I met my husband. He didn’t see me, and I didn’t try to get his attention. I would have waved if he waved first but he looked tired and distracted. Continue reading

Port Two: Juneau, Alaska pt. 1

Port Two: Juneau, Alaska pt. 1

Juneau, Alaska

Is the Alaskan Capital

2010 census of 31,275 people and the 2nd most populated city in Alaska

Project to rise to 32,113 people

It was hot the day we were there. I swear I just assumed Alaska was going to be cold but I could have packed some shorts! Continue reading

September book wrap-up!

September book wrap-up!

Welcome to another wrap-up of all the books I read with my eyeballs in September. Shout out to Netgalley for the e-arcs mentioned in this post. Continue reading