Reading the United States

I want to try this challenge again but I would like suggestions from you all!

What book best represent the state you are from? I want to read it!

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DietBet and Weight Loss Influencers rant

It makes me sad when I see people who are so desperate to lose weight that they cling onto someone who has… and then they believe every word out of their mouth. I used to follow a lot of weight loss accounts until I no longer bought what they were spouting. There is one in particular that has become very toxic for me lately that I had to unfollow. Continue reading

The most annoying question!

When are you having kids?  It is the most annoying question in my life at the moment. It is none of anyone business!

To placate this I mentioned how I was going to look into adoption and a bunch of noses crinkled up. Got to love a family who is against abortion but wrinkles there noses at adopting a child, that is not a baby, who needs a loving home because there biological parents didn’t want or couldn’t provide one for them.

2019 is bye bye to all that negativity!

Leave my uterus alone!

2018 Goodreads Challenge

This was by far my best reading year in terms of numbers. I set a goal of 75 but due to my 2+ hour commute both ways from my old job I surpassed that back in June or July. I ended the year with 142 books. Some were bad, many were good, few were so great I CANNOT wait for the next in series in 2019! Continue reading

Goodbye 2018!

Goodbye 2018!

Well another trip around the sun is about to conclude. Overall this has been a pretty great year despite my bouts of depression that has kept me from my blog. Continue reading

Honeymoon Vibes

Honeymoon Vibes

Back at the end of October my husband and I finally took our two week honeymoon. We started it off with a cruise on the Carnival Vista. It took us to Mexico, Belize, and Honduras. It was wonderful to step outside of the country and see how other people live. That is truly how we can learn and understand one another. My heart goes out to the people of these countries. I will forever remain a compassionate and empathetic person. I had to shut down a conversation with the table that sat next on the cruise (it is assigned seats so we were with them almost every evening…) because the girl was going on and on about how scared she was and how poor people were and how they must be criminals. She then brought up the caravan of people coming to the United States and I was just like please stop talking. Poor doesn’t equate criminal. If anything see how the other side lives should give you insight into why people are taking the dangerous risks they are for a better life. Continue reading

Another win for the inner bitch

Lately I have been feeling like the worlds biggest failure. Every time I proclaim something my mind immediately goes into opposite mode to ensure that I fuck up once again. For example, my never ending battle with the bulge. I am sooo tired of having all this extra weight on me. I am uncomfortable and it feels like I just keep getting bigger. No matter how many pep talks I give myself I fail time and time again. I remember last August when I made my grandiose planes of losing all that weight for my wedding. Never happened. Then I wanted to lose weight for my honeymoon. Never happened. In fact I actually gained weight since the wedding! Opposite of what I wanted to do. My honeymoon is in 2 weeks and I would love to just get back to my wedding weight at this point.

I don’t want to miss out on experiences because I am too fat or my sciatica flares up and I cannot walk. I know when I started this blog I was all about the body positivity and loving myself as I am but I think you can do both; you can love yourself and also want to make improvements where necessary so that you are living your best life. There is this negative stigma that losing weight is not body positive but that’s bull in my opinion. I do love myself. So does my husband. I am just uncomfortable at this weight and my depression tops peoples opinions on whether or not I am actually being body positive.

My most recent disappointment was my desire to run a half marathon this upcoming weekend. I signed up for it back in June. PLENTY of time to get enough training in to at least make the attempt. I trained but my consistency SUCKED. I was constantly able to talk myself out of going outside to practice. My inner bitch kept telling me that people would be staring, laughing, and taking my picture to shame me on the internet. This is a real fear because I have seen it done to other people. It’s like we as fat people cannot win. We stay fat you make fun of us. We go outside to exercise you make fun of us. WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT US TO DO THEN?

I am just so so so pissed at myself for allowing any of these possibilities to stop me for doing me. Every single time I went to go for a run/walk I would have an anxiety attack and sometimes even cried. Rarely I was able to push myself out the door. Most days I crumbled under the pressure of my inner bitch. As a result I gained ten pounds over the last two months and now I reached that weight that makes my sciatica flare up after half a mile. I used to be able to at least complete 5 miles now I am down to less than half that. My whole physical life as been take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. I am at a lost and have no idea where it turns around but I pray that I finally reached the bedrock. I can’t sink much lower. What a waste of 55 dollar race entry fee.